the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
