Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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