Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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