Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
