I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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