I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
