Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
