I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
