why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
