Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
