Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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