On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
