id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
