i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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