you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
