So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
