Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
