On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
