there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
