1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
