I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
