i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
