theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
