Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no, he came in my armpit
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
