Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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