Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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