like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
