soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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