LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
