I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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