Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize