I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
