i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
