I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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