just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
