So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
