i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
