the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need to align my fucking chakras
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
