Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
