She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
