the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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