After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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