Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Drunk is not a location!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
