You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
