saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
