Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
