So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
