Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize