I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
