I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
