I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My legs feel like baby dolphins
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
