it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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