im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
