Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
