just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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