We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
