Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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