R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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