Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
