I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
