we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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